A Hypothetical Elephant's Tusk
by Syroc
Summary: Nothing here but pure silliness. Enjoy. Also, I totally don't own FSN. That would be crazy. And awesome. But also not true.


_Transcripted (Sorta) From The "Mechanics Of In Flight" Forums:_

**Syroc: **_*Offhand remark about elephants*_

**Everyone: **_*Prolonged discussion about elephants and the feasibility of using them as protection*_

**Syroc:** My god, what have I done? I must put an end to this!

**Sage of Eyes:** *_Lurches out from the darkness, madness in his eyes*_ It cannot be stopped! It has grown too powerful! Now, the Beast must be fed before it can return to its slumber!

**Syroc:** ... I can do that.

**A Hypothetical Elephant's Tusk**

"But I want to go to the zoo!" A ten-year-old Tohsaka Rin complained. "There's so much to learn!"

Kotomine Kirei indulged the child with a small smile of someone who is intensely bored with the notion of watching a bunch of animals in cages, even if that wasn't exactly what Rin had in mind for her little excursion.

"I've told you before, Rin," the priest began, repeating his previous explanation for why the child's demands simply were not possible. "That even should one of the animals spontaneously lay down and die, the keepers simply would not allow us take the corpse away. Questions would be asked. People would want to know what we intended to do with a dead tiger."

"I'd ride it to school, of course," Rin answered petulantly. "And then I would have it eat the other children," she gave a child's glower at the priest. "Of coursewe don't let them know what we intend to do with a dead tiger, you phony priest! That's why we'd hypnotize them! Jeez, it's like you've never done this sort of thing in your life."

"Defilement of a corpse is generally frowned upon by men like me," Kotomine pointed out, smirking slightly. "It is somewhat discouraged."

"Pfaw," Rin scoffed. "Like you? Somehow I doubt that."

"Your allegations do me great disservice, Rin-chan," the girl in question rankled slightly at the fond honorific, which served only to bring further amusement to the priest. "Irregardless of whether we were to hypnotize the keepers or not, however, someone would notice that they are missing a tiger, living or otherwise. In any case, a more mundane familiar would in most situations serve you better than some exotic beast that would immediately be noticed."

"Ggh," Rin grunted in disappointment, but held her ground. "Alright, so the tiger idea is out! But there's another reason I want to go!"

"Oh?" Kotomine raised an eyebrow. "Please, do tell: I am agog with interest."

"Ivory," Rin answered smugly.

"Ivory," the priest repeated, nonplussed. "I must admit, I am not certain what you want with such a thing. Nor why we would have to go to the zoo to procure it. I know of several venues in this city alone where we might procure-"

"Because it'd befree, you stupid fake priest!" Rin hissed petulantly. "Do you think I'm made of money?"

"Ah," Kotomine nodded in understanding. "I see. However, you have yet to explain why you desire such a material. Have you decided to take up the art of carving? Or scrimshaw, perhaps? I must admit, I had never taken you to have much of an artistic flair."

"Grr," the tiny magus growled, clenching her fists. "That's not what I want it for and you know it!"

"I do?" Kotomine asked, sounding confused. "Perhaps you should remind me, in case I forgot."

Rin shot the priest a withering glare that seemed to only amuse him even more before she elaborated.

"Elephants are powerful spiritual creatures, right?" She asked rhetorically. "They're practically demigods, maybe semigods, in a way."

"Not quite, but please, continue."

"Shut up!" Rin snapped, angry at the interruption. "Anyways, what's the most important part of an elephant?"

"I thought I was supposed to be silent?" Kotomine asked.

"Just answer!"

"Very well," the priest smirked, and folded his arms. "Their incredible size, of course."

"What?" Rin spat out, not expecting that answer. "No! That's not it! There are plenty of huge animals!"

"No?" Kotomine seemed to draw entirely too much pleasure from Rin's flustering. "Then perhaps it is their enormous ears?"

"That's just to regulate heat, you idiot!"

"Their trunks, then? There aren't very many animals with those."

"No- well, maybe. But no!" Rin huffed angrily, having had enough of this nonsense. "It's their tusks! It's their natural weapon!"

"Against other elephants, perhaps." Kotomine pointed out. "For most other enemies, however, I am certain an elephant would be content to simply step on them."

"Just shut up and listen!" Rin snapped. "It stands to reason that the tusks would have a portion of an elephant's spirit, right?"

"Perhaps," the priest acquiesced, beginning to see where this was going.

"Right," Rin continued determinedly. "So if I figured out how to harness that spirit, I could create a Mystic Code that could easily defeat most mysteries! Ivory would be the perfect medium for such an artifact."

Kotomine nodded in approval, slightly impressed that the girl would have the idea at such a young age. He wasn't quite certain if she was right in her assumptions or not, but it was still an idea to bear consideration.

Well, if it didn't have a tiny flaw in it.

And he would take a great deal of pleasure exposing the girl's dreams of anti-magic and exposing them to the harsh light of reality. Truly, it was one of the few joys left in his life.

"It is a good idea," He agreed slowly, watching Rin brighten up as her hopes started to rise. He so loved to watch that: it made what would come next all the better. "Except for one thing: we would have to maim an animal that would likely have no intention of letting us do so. As I believe I mentioned before: for most enemies, certainly humans, all it would need to do to stop us is step on us. And their resistance to mysteries would only exacerbate our troubles. Not to mention everyone wondering just why the elephants no longer had any tusks."

"Geh," Rin grunted, her hopes shot down in a single harsh blast of logic. "I didn't think of that."

"Indeed," Kotomine agree with a smile. "However, what I find more curious is that you had no problem with casually maiming an animal that had done you no prior harm. I had no idea that you could be so vicious, Rin-chan. I am impressed."

Rin twitched slightly, and without speaking a word rose and left the room, a strange look on her face.

Kotomine watched her leave with a small smile, and waited until he was certain she was gone before he allowed his face to return to its normal impassiveness.

"I believe I instructed you to remain in the lower sections of the building to avoid detection," he reproached the room in general, and a moment later the Golden Archer materialized into view with a bored look on his face.

"Hmph, nobody orders the king." The Heroic Spirit snorted, folding his arms. "What was the mongrel whelp on about this time, then? Help with her infantile attempts at magecraft?"

"Of a kind," Kotomine confirmed. "She is turning out to be a magnificent magus, it seems. All ambition, no morality. An interesting development, perhaps."

"There is no right or wrong except what the king decrees," Gilgamesh stated, snorting. "And who cares what the rulers of this time believe to be wrong?"

"Who indeed," the priest snorted suddenly, still amused at the girl's antics. "Elephants."

"_Where?_" The ancient hero demanded, obviously alarmed.

Kotomine raised an eyebrow at the display.

"Excuse me?" He asked, not quite understanding what was going on.

"You said elephants!" Gilgamesh accused, searching his surroundings. "I just assumed that you'd spotted one!"

"... Inside a church?" Kotomine asked rhetorically. "Hardly. Where would it find room?"

"Where indeed..." the hero relaxed visibly, though he continued glowering at his surroundings.

Kotomine watched Gilgamesh for a time, before his curiosity got the better of him and he simplyhadto ask.

"Gilgamesh," he began, careful to sound innocuous. "Are you perhaps afraid of elephants?"

"What? No!" the blonde refuted hotly. "What kind of a question is that! And why would you ask that, anyways? Are you hiding any elephants around here? That's kind of a strange question to ask if there are no elephants around!"

"I assure you, I do not, nor have I ever, possessed an elephant," the priest stated coolly, watching his Servant curiously.

This seemed to calm the hero down, if only for a moment. And then he seemed to realize something, and nervously leaned in close to Kotomine, his eyes never once leaving his surroundings.

"Maybe they're sneaking!" He suggested with what might have been a whisper, were it not so loud.

Kotomine stared at Gilgamesh for a long time, a look of pure incomprehension plastered on his face. Eventually, however, he fell back on snark. That had always served him well in the past.

"Have you ever seen an elephant sneak?" He asked.

"No, I haven't! And that's exactly my point!" Gilgamesh pointed triumphantly into the air, though the effect was spoiled somewhat by the nervous quaver in his voice. "_Nobody's_ seen a sneaking elephant! They're _that_ good! We could be surrounded by elephants and we wouldn't even know it! Quickly, can you hear them coming?"

"I can't hear anything other than you." Kotomine answered, unable to think of anything else to say.

"Oh sweet teats of Ishtar!" Gilgamesh exclaimed. "They could be here right now and we wouldn't even know it! Can you smell any?"

"I don't know what an elephant smells like." Kotomine answered, by now having lost his way in this conversation and was simply listening with perplexed wonder as one of the most terrifying entities he had ever met degenerated into a gibbering mess.

"No? Then let's hope we never find out!"

"I'm leaving now." Kotomine stated, moving towards the door.

"No! You can't leave me with the elephants!" Gilgamesh cried out desperately.

"For the last time, there are no elephants in the room!"


End file.
